The time spent atop the wall of sleep, not quite awake, not quite asleep, is the most dangerous time of all. All the thoughts that your conscious mind has kept at bay all day see their opportunity to break through, to reveal themselves and let you glimpse them as you slowly sink into the subconscious. The thoughts, visions, and memories that are within us, but not revealed to us, lurk and make their presence known, like wolves heard, sensed, but not seen, circling just outside the light that the campfire of our conscious mind throws into the dark night of our existence.
The pain, the guilt over the shadowy events and memories that you, through either action or inaction, created or allowed to come into existence is the last thing you feel before the veil of nightmares separates you from the safety of the rational and the present. Guilt and anger is the last thing you feel before the shadowlands pull you in. It’s no wonder that the pain does not fade. It is nourished, cultivated every night, and reborn with you every morning. The light of the day chases the pain to the back of your mind, where it sits and waits for its opportunities to make itself known. Like a guerrilla warrior, a terrorist, it looks for weak points and places where it can do it’s greatest harm. It is an enemy not quite understood. An enemy not fully known cannot be defeated without destroying the whole world around it.
Eventually, the panic always turns into fear that I’ll eventually let it ruin everything.
I can’t change the past, I can’t accept it and forget it, at least not yet, and I don’t want to run away from it. I don’t know of another option. I just don’t want my pain to bleed over onto others.
I’m hurt far too easily, and stay hurt for far too long. My brain understands, but my gut, or my heart, or whatever, has a mind of its own. I’m glad I have someone who understands my own version of insanity, for the most part. I’d really rather not be this way, but I probably always will be, now.
I guess, before I start posting, I have to decide in what direction I want to take this blog.
I could use this blog to focus on the happy things in my life. I could use it to count the ways in which I am blessed.
I could use it to rant, complain, and vent about the negative things in life. I could post when I feel hurt, angry, or betrayed. I could post whenever I’m upset, or whenever I have something to get off my chest. I better check my bandwidth and storage allotments before I take things in that direction.
I could post funny observations on life. I’m fucking hilarious, sometimes. Probably not often enough. Most of those posts would involve alcohol.
I suppose I also most choose whether to treat this blog like a different version of Twitter, or Facebook. One in which I just post random thoughts and observations as they come to mind. Or to treat this blog as something different. To actually write, edit, re-write, and not hit “Publish Post” until I have something worthy, something inspirational or thought provoking, something that will elicit some sort of emotion or response from the reader.
Who am I kidding? Nobody is going to read this stuff!