Eventually, the panic always turns into fear that I’ll eventually let it ruin everything.

I can’t change the past, I can’t accept it and forget it, at least not yet, and I don’t want to run away from it. I don’t know of another option. I just don’t want my pain to bleed over onto others.


4 thoughts on “Panic”

  1. So, rather than torture the people in my life with these feelings every time they happen, I’ll just leave a comment here. Hopefully that will help me. I won’t be “hiding” my feelings, but I won’t be burdening those I love, unnecessarily.

    Mention of a work party just triggered all the feelings and thoughts. Instant panic. Instant despair. I’m still far too fragile regarding this stuff. I know that my brain tends to make many associations and connections. Some make sense, but others are stretches. It’s like the pain has tendrils that wait for something, anything to latch onto.

    Hopefully the comments here will get further and further apart, and will chronicle my recovery and improvement.

  2. I’m all panicky again. I guess I have to accept that this will continue to come up and bother me for a while. Also, it occurred to me that I may have contributed to this in yet another way by trying to be funny. I was joking about something that I thought, it would go without saying, would really upset me. Maybe in joking about it, I made it seem less serious; made it seem like I didn’t really care. Some things seem like they just don’t NEED to be said. I guess I need to joke less and state things directly more. Some things seem so obvious to me that It seems rude to state them, but maybe I should have. If my joking did contribute, I guess that opens up a whole new level of this that I really don’t want to explore right now.

    Also, I guess I’m getting gun shy about blogging already. I have three, poorly written posts saved in draft form. I just don’t want to post them. I’m hoping that the simple act of writing my thoughts will help me sort out my feelings. I do hate the feeling that I’m holding back and hiding things, though.

    For now I’ll breathe deeply, smile, drink a little, carry on, and hope this all magically goes away, soon.

  3. It will be okay. When stuff like this happens, it seems like the thing that can never be recovered is trust. That’s not a problem for me. I guess I was more hurt and more angry than I even wanted to admit to myself, but I still trust. Always. One hundred percent. Without hesitation.

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